Jason Ross for Monarch
by Jason Ross
Apparently, in talking with Millennials, history “doesn’t count.” Ergo, we are seriously considering a Socialist for President, despite the possibly-germane fact that Socialism has been responsible for the massacre of hundreds of millions of souls.
But even thinking about the hundreds of millions that have died at the hands of Socialists, I violate the cardinal rules of Millenialism: “only look back as far as last weekend and forward only as far as the coming weekend.”
Thinking about it for a second, it’s a very freeing concept. Without the nuisance of history, we are left to consider, now, a variety of other political systems in addition to Socialism.
I present to you the next candidate for President: Jason Ross. However, before you run out and cast your vote for someone without any idea of how they might actually do — which is quickly becoming an American tradition — I ask that you consider the benefits of my party.
We are the Monarchists. Well, technically, I am the Monarchist, since what anyone else thinks becomes moot once I’m elected.
Elect me and I’ll do whatever I want.
What could go wrong?
As of this moment, here’s what I would do as the King of the United States.
- I would slash military spending to about one-one-millionth of today’s spend. Essentially, I’m going to ask Jeff Kirkham to get a couple dozen friends together and handle whatever comes up. He’ll be Sec State, sort of. Jeff and his buddies are certain to crush anything that needs crushing, and he won’t really want any funding — preferring to arc-weld brutish weapon systems onto to old minivans. I’ll keep him in 90s era minivans and explosives and he’ll keep the world safe for Monarchy.
- I would make Evan Hafer Secretary of Coffee & Commerce. The only controls on commerce and the free market will be Evan’s ability to publicly ridicule mean or stupid business people — emasculating them on Facebook if they do bad things in the course of business. The Coffee part simply entails keeping the Monarch in good coffee. Otherwise, there won’t be any taxes.
- Chad Wade will be Secretary of Exploration. Since we forgot history, there’s actually quite a bit left to explore (again.)
“Holy crap! I just discovered an awesome new place with amazing food.” (Chad)
“Yeah. That’s Mexico.” (Us)
“Dude. You gotta try these enchiladas!” (Chad)
But, if you decide not to vote for me, then please consider ALL other political systems:
- Despotism. Could work, right? Kanye West might do a decent job. He probably has more work-experience than Bernie Sanders. He’s got that going for him.
- Communism. I can’t remember communism not-working. It sounds fantastic! Communes are awesome and everyone’s super-friendly at a commune.
- Tribalism. Couldn’t each neighborhood just govern itself? I’d love that — so long as it means that butt-hole dude with the Scottish-looking house down the street isn’t in my tribe.
- Fascism. I know I’m supposed to forget history, but I picture guys with fashionable, but uncomfortable leather boots when I read this word. We could definitely go for Fashion-ism.
- Feudalism. No matter what happens, if we go this way, I’m on Jeff’s team.
Seriously, of all the world’s problems, I didn’t think that the one thing that would finally send us into the Apocalypse, in the end, would be our ignorance of history.
On the up-side of the Apocalypse: at least we’ll get to try ALL those kinds of government AGAIN. Even Anarchy!
It’s like super-legit “retro.”
Oh, yeah. Enjoy this cool video about what to put in your Range Bag.